Beyond Imposter Syndrome

THE COMMON DEFINITIONS OF IMPOSTER PHENOMENON

Imposter phenomenon, pathologically known as imposter syndrome, can be defined as the feeling of inauthenticity relative to accomplishment. It can be experienced as anxiety, fear of being discovered as a fraud, or not feeling competent enough even when you have the skills, credentials, and even when others believe you are more than capable.

It is both the experience of wanting to perfect and be perfect, as well as feeling not good enough, fearing failure and even success. When people think of themselves as imposters, the focus becomes that they themselves are a defect in the spaces they inhabit. Some people find temporary relief from this anxiety when someone validates them, or when they succeed in pursuing a goal, and yet again, the imposter phenomena persist and the anxiety doesn’t go away. It becomes a cycle of escaping a feeling of unworthiness, outcast, or wrongness.

WHY I WRITE ABOUT THIS

I’ve been so drawn to imposter phenomenon because I have found myself feeling this way in many phases and stages of my life, primarily in learning and educational spaces, specifically engaging in dialogue. My experience was less about content and more about process. It wasn’t about what I was going to say; it was more about how I was going to say it.

Interestingly enough, I felt like I was smart on my own, but it was me in relation to others that made me feel like there was something wrong with me.

Through my experience of reflection such as leaning toward this part of me, getting to understand it, understanding my surroundings and the systems I am in, and with the support and meaningful words of others, I have discovered so much about myself. In this process, I have been able to move forward with more confidence and self-reassurance.

Although I’ve gained more confidence in myself and feel more regulated even with uncertainty in the room, I want to state that this self-doubt still exists in my life. I don’t always want to say what’s on my mind out of my own fears, and this is ongoing exploration for me.

To write about this topic means modeling my authentic experience. I’ve found that naming my experience in the moment really helps my body relax, and I notice which spaces I feel most comfortable naming this experience. So I’m naming it here. This feels like a vulnerable post!

SELF-DOUBT

Imposter phenomenon has elements of self-doubt, and I’ve found that moving with my self-doubt, embracing it, and understanding that some self-doubt is actually important has been essential to my growth.

Self-doubt helps us check ourselves, the world, and the environments we are in. If we can move on from thinking of self-doubt as being inherently wrong, we can see it as a reassessment tool. If we never doubted ourselves, one can imagine how disconnected we could become from a world that is always in motion.

Sometimes we can exist in a flow of feeling, so sure and confident of ourselves, and then self-doubt can rise up. This is a gift. In this ownership of the gift and reassessment, we may learn more about ourselves. It doesn’t necessarily mean we go off “our path,” but rather that the path becomes more nuanced or more valuable. We can move through with more flow when we are confronted by difficulties or opposing views because we are nuanced. Like a stream, finding its flow because it is flexible, adaptable, fluid, and steady.

When we are in a rhythm and accustomed to something, such as a practice, a thought, an environment, we may feel a level of regulation and competence. Then sometimes we experience change, and this can make us question ourselves and our previous beliefs. The important thing here is that there is change—and change or shifts are normal. So I want to start by saying that I believe self-doubt is important. It helps us become reflective and helps us attune to our own needs and to the world around us.

FRAMEWORKS

My Story

Now, I also know that self-doubt can create spiraling. Sometimes it happens when we carry the weight of the world—when we truly believe that it’s “Me” or “I” who needs to fix, change, adapt, and keep up. There is a difference between the forward movement of fixing things, setting goals, and changing and the spiraling of needing to fix, reach goals out of a desperation to stay afloat. In this spiral, we are spending so much time putting out fires rather than doing the things we enjoy, and in the end we end up right back where we started- feeling so doubtful of ourselves, even if our setting and space looks different.

While I don’t dismiss one’s willingness or desire to engage in growth, to have goals, and to want to keep up, I want to bring attention to the frameworks we live by, and how sometimes it is the framework that contributes to the feelings of inadequacy.

For example, in schools we adhere to frameworks; at work we do too. Within those frameworks exist sets of values, expectations, and pace. We don’t set that. And in our society, we have this too.

It took me a long time to realize that sometimes it isn’t about needing to “work on me” solely, but rather a large element is thinking about noticing how my values do or don’t align with the values of the system I’m in, whether in a small group or a larger societal system. 

I remember saying that I want to feel like I can be myself, and that because I wasn’t feeling so open in a group space, that I needed to continue challenging myself, unpacking trauma, and gain so much from this group I want to be part of. I struggle speaking up, and I become socially anxious, everything included: heart pounding through my chest, sweaty, shaky, and terrified. I believed it was up to me to resolve this. I hit a period of doubting my abilities and feeling really unsure of my place and belonging. Through trauma work, exploring my family systems, and really taking ownership for my experience, I was able to unburden some of this for myself, and yet, I still felt these experiences come up for me.

One day, something clicked for me. Through my ongoing exploration and reflection, starting from the question and curiosity of my fears in social educational spaces, something shifted. What if this is a misalignment? What if it wasn’t just me, but that I didn’t align with the group’s shared values or experience? 

It wasn’t about someone being correct or incorrect, or that I was doing it wrong and they were doing it right—it was just a different between me and the situation I was in. I remember feeling a weight lift off my shoulders as I realized I had choices here. That I could move without spiraling into self-doubt or trying to “fix” it. I remember then realizing that a larger burden for me was shouldering all responsibility, and did not even consider that it could be the environment contributing to these experiences, and that it wasn’t just me.

This choice, this different frame of mind, created spaciousness and got me to thinking about my wants and needs. Wow. I had never thought of this prior to this realization. And to my surprise, I wanted to be in that group space and could still gain a lot from the space I was in, while also accepting that they had different values and ways of talking or intellectualizing. And that wasn’t me or my style, and that was okay.

I could still learn from them, and I could show up in my way. I remember feeling more and more like myself in that space. I figured out it that my resolve wasn’t even about growing and learning from them, but more about learning about myself.

This was a powerful moment for me. It made me reflect on my experiences in childhood—how, although I didn’t have the language then, I always felt an anxious and subdued part of me in school settings. This was about me, but it was more than me- it was about the system I was in.

I bring my story up because it’s the only way I can describe what is happening internally. And because personal stories are ancient ways of learning about one another. Not just through fact or research. And I want to say that I don’t have any answers here. This isn’t a “how to stop feeling like an imposter” or “break free from imposter syndrome” piece.

What I’ve come to understand deeply within myself is that my strengths aren’t about knowing or articulating, but about holding space and connecting with people on a level beyond concreteness and many words. And to tell my story from a place of experience and humility. I don’t have to say the right things—I can be in relationship and presence without performing.

What I am not aligning with all the time are the dominant discourse norms or dialogue such as fast, assertive, polished verbal output, and analysis. More and more, I feel deeply connected with my inner wisdom of steadiness, emotional attunement, and non-linear ways of being. I can feel a strong connection with my ancestors, with the trees, the land, and the animals.

This wisdom does not seem to be the prevalent discourse. I had to move out of this framework in order to change this cycle of feeling like an imposter. And to my surprise, it wasn’t that I needed to align with the system. This was a really, really huge breakthrough for me.

Questioning the Framework

I remember reading a book a while ago called The Four Agreements, and resonating so much with Miguel Ruiz’s take on personal freedom. He described that most people are dreaming—living without questioning, and without being attuned to themselves. This dreamlike state keeps you living not your life ultimately, but a life that was assigned.

I think of it in the framework: I don’t feel like I belong, and therefore something is wrong with me. Moving beyond to: What if it is the framework itself? Or a bit of both?

It’s not that the framework has to be “bad,”and that we must abandon the framework, but that there are pieces within it we may not align with, and that’s okay. Moreover, some of these pieces are where you come in, where you yourself are the one who brings this piece to light. To take the risk for the sake of unveiling another facet, another truth.

I think about anti-colonial lenses and how we get to some of our truths in our world about the “-isms” in life, about injustices and inequality, because people are questioning these frameworks in societies and revealing difficult truths. Sometimes in revealing these truths, we reveal that the framework itself is harmful for many. What I see as harmful for many is an over intellectualization without leaving room for humanity such as: pausing, breathing, wondering, having dialogue without having the answers, being unsure, taking risks, unfinished thoughts so that others can contribute, and silence.

So, I’m believing and trusting that what I offer may be meaningful for others. Again, I have no answers, and do not take this as fact, but as an opening for discussion. I want the open-ended, curious, ongoing conversations, the power of silence, humility...

RETHINKING IMPOSTER SYNDROME

I read a research article by Nellie Tran and felt invigorated. I found myself saying “YES!” so much. She talks about imposter phenomena and proposes a shift of focus to the infiltrator experience.

This shift calls attention to decolonizing the mind and creating more space for yourself. Imposter phenomena isn’t really about you: it’s about the systems in place.

Women are more likely to feel like imposters than other groups. Women of color experience this even more. In her article, the “infiltrator” holds on to their true self and respects their dual consciousness.

Yes! That’s exactly what I came to in my experience when I noticed that click.

It’s about having awareness of ourselves, how we are, what we value, and knowing that we also exist within another reality, where there’s the “other.” And that being the infiltrator is being who you are in this moment, knowing that you are separate from the truths in that system. That infiltrating the system is actually creating a better system for you and therefore for others who relate to you.

Right now I was thinking, “Is this obvious?” Or what if those who are embraced by the dominant discourse are confident individuals already know this. Then I reflect on how, in many systems, “confidence” is conflated with certainty. While confidence can look like that, and may be part of it, it’s not what confidence is.

The messages I received growing up were to “be verbal,” “speak up,” “don’t be shy.” I remember feeling overwhelmed by that.

Growth and integration for me was not about being silent or closing off or simply saying “That’s who I am, a shy girl, deal with it!” or a “This space isn’t for me, done.” Not at all. This is about slowness, gentleness with myself and the world around me. This is about my own responsibility, and noticing too, that my accountability is only part of the whole. Without realizing it, the decolonizing experience for me was about holding myself in this experience, not disowning it or doing the opposite, but noticing the strengths and wisdom that live in my body.

My body needs space and time. I process things deeply, and naturally that requires both. It’s okay not to be highly verbal. And paradoxically, in this process, I became more open, more verbal, and  to my surprise, outspoken.

I can own myself. And in owning myself, I can continue to challenge myself to be more clear, verbal, and outspoken, but the difference is that it’s no longer has to be out of survival—I am choosing this because I see the value in it. I can value both myself and the system I am in, and I can also notice what I wish were different, and I can challenge this too. Everything really is nuanced.

WHAT WE NEED

I think we need to sit with our feelings and experiences, and to have them be part of the norm. To say, I feel a little insecure about this, and to know that’s okay and part of the process.

When I say, I feel a little anxious right before I speak to a group, something shifts inside me, I calm down.

I want to be in spaces where it isn’t about putting forth great ideas, but about being with experiences and holding space, even when we don’t know what to do in the moment. It is about embodiment and not performance.

I believe this is part of dismantling imposter phenomena as well as other social norms and constructs that don’t serve us all the time.

CHOICE

Part of this experience is choosing.

Like I said, it isn’t about dismissing me or the other, it’s about moving from a place of choice and deciding what we need.

Sometimes that means moving with the group or system because we value something more there like keeping the peace, for example. This can be from an empowering place: choosing to keep my peace, not reacting from a place of silencing myself because I don’t feel worthy. I am also learning from my experiences of reactivity, trusting that my body is trying to keep me safe.

Sometimes I do align with a a dominant norm. Sometimes I notice my privilege in certain spaces.

Sometimes I decide it’s worth staying courageous with myself and not aligning with everyone. I can be okay with the anxiety that naturally comes with that, and I can grow from a place of safety, not from fear. Sometimes I realize, oh shoot I missed something here, or even that I wish I did it differently, and I am humbled by continuing to learn new perspectives.

I can only speak from my own experience, and I am so sure there are other experiences that are similar to mine. I continue to grow and feel confident in myself, and continue to feel doubt.

This process for me feels real. Authentic. It doesn’t feel like I’m pushing away from myself. In fact, sometimes it is a push and pull, but I am always returning to me. It’s an ongoing experience of continual learning—holding the beginner’s mindset and being intellectually humble. I believe in myself and hold some truths, and I also know that my truths are only part of a larger story, and this is why its so important to hold things with curiosity. I am a student of this world and a teacher of this world. (The teacher part feels newer to me).

I hope this can spark curiosity and possibly help someone. I’d love to connect with others who share this experience or a similar one. Perhaps others have language about it that I don’t have.

I want to end by saying that I am proud of listening to my soul, and my surroundings (including people, plants, animals, the land, the sky, the waters), the collective and individual stories, learning from the things that feel aligned to me and the things that may not, being humbled, and staying in relationship with myself and the world around me. Something beautiful happened in the process of understanding and befriending the part of me that fears speaking up,
I found my voice.

-Imuri