A Personal Reflection on Earth Day

I’m sitting here, about to begin the work day, and I’m looking out the window, feeling so much gratitude for where I am. I feel privileged, in awe, and deeply thankful for the care I receive from the redwood trees. I feel privileged, too, to have the opportunity to live in a place like this, to be held by this land, to witness its beauty, and to be reminded of what really matters to me.

Since the start of 2024, I began noticing something had shifted. On my walks, the smells, the sounds, and the inner peace I felt when I first moved here felt distant. The magic had dulled. I knew immediately what it was; the buildup of a few things.

One of them was how much I had been in my head, intellectualizing, analyzing, trying to make sense of things, a pattern that strengthened after I joined a group therapy practice as a clinician. It was a gift in many ways, helping me name experiences I once couldn’t articulate, learning how others process, and finding different ways to support others. But the mind holds so much, and when I started paying attention to my body, I realized it had been sending cues all along; it was too much. I felt the ache of it, a kind of grief, a longing to return to a more sensory, grounded way of being.

Another piece was the anxiety, both social and performance-based, that came with being in environments where the norm is highly verbal and cognitive. While I learned a lot and appreciated the opportunity to grow, I also found myself navigating new layers of overstimulation and internal pressure. I felt tired, and saturated.

And lastly, it was just all the daily life things including: family, friends, work, personal care- many of these things felt good on their own, some were complicated situations, and together with the rest of the overstimulation, it was a lot. I even managed to train for a 30 mile trail run and plan my wedding during that year.

Eventually, I began to slow down. Thankful for being able to name things, I recognized how much the intellectual process had helped me make peace with something deeper, this is who I am. I sense before I think. Sensing comes more easily to me than thinking. Some things do not need explanation, and that is okay.

Growing up, especially after college- I questioned and doubted myself. I wondered if I was just not intelligent enough to participate in dialogue. It is funny how it took growing those intellectual parts in order to understand and give myself permission to be. I also came to realize that some of the quiet peace I felt was my self energy, and some of it was made up of parts of me that were quietly holding hurt. Learning helped me appreciate my system more fully, and with that, I began to attend to my needs in a deeper way.

But I also noticed how being so intellectual could bring its own kind of anxiety.  I understood anxiety in a new light. When we think so much, we disconnect. We feel detached from the world and reality. We can feel alone, and our bodies work overtime to manage it all. I never lost sight of me, but I decided it was time to embrace the parts of me that wanted to be embraced.

So I began to intentionally step away from the parts of me that work hard to be in intellect, because that didn’t feel like me. Return. Integrate. Be. Be me! And being in nature has always felt so healing, and so naturally, it was so supportive in my process to be outside.

It did not happen all at once. It was in moments. A slower walk. A pause to notice the wind. One day, I heard a bird call that took me back to when I first arrived here. That moment opened something. I felt the magic return, not in a grand way, but gently, like a homecoming.

I took a breath, and it felt nourishing. The trees, so still and ancient, reminded me that I am part of this earth, not just in a theoretical sense, but in a felt one. As they give, I give. I am of the earth.

The other day I looked up at the sky and became unexpectedly emotional. The clouds felt so majestic, and the spaciousness of the sky caught me off guard. It reminded me of that viral double rainbow video from years ago. That kind of wonder and awe. That kind of “wow!”

I felt the wind on my face. I felt energy move in and out of my hands and played with it. I listened to the birds singing. I have been vibing on these mindful walks more and more, not for exercise, not trying to do anything right, just being.

This is who I am. Sensory, intuitive, quiet, slow, sometimes super excited about everything all at once. I blend into the world around me, and I stand out when it’s time. I notice when I give myself permission to be in my own process at my own pace, i feel most alive.

Sometimes I cry thinking about the harm done to the earth. And I also hold compassion for the ways many of us are trying, imperfectly, to do our best. I smile when I see banana slugs munching on the strawberry tops I leave out for them. I feel overwhelmed in the forest, in the best kind of way, by sound, scent, texture, light. And I also notice how my body reacts when a loud truck passes. It doesn’t pull me out of the moment; it reminds me of what else is here. Even when it’s not peaceful, it is still part of the experience. I can move with it. Include it.

I’m just lucky to be here, alive, and part of all this!

-Imuri